WHERE TO GO FROM HERE?

This post is written with mixed emotions.....

Let me start with Christmas:
It was a really great Christmas with all of our children here and Matt was actually feeling half decent.  Matt gave each child a piece of jewelry which he had inscribed "Sempre Con Voi - Love Papi" on them.  "Sempre Con Voi" is Italian - of course!  Matt loves Italian!! - and it means "Always with you all", the you all meaning each of his children as a whole, as a family.  The "love papi" has its own story.  When we first adopted our three youngest from Guatemala they came speaking only Spanish.  They immediately began calling us Papi Matthew and Mama Niki and that nickname has stuck through the years.

Presents were given, presents were received, but most of all love was shared this Christmas!

The week after Christmas and New Years Eve:
Not so good!  I think Matt felt pretty good during Christmas because his doc had prescribed him a week of steroids that gave him energy and helped with the awful rash that comes with his chemo cocktail.  Well by the week after Christmas he was cranky, super tired and in lots of pain from the rash.  I made him get in the shower as it had been several days since that had happened.........BIG MISTAKE!  He screamed from the pain of the water hitting his head, chest, and face.  He broke out with many large sores and he said they felt like pin pricks all the time.  He stayed in bed for two days and hardly spoke two words to us.  It broke my heart to see him this way and I felt completely helpless!

New Years Eve was spent with Matt in bed and the children and I at the bowling alley with extended family and friends.  While we had fun I missed Matt so much and a deep sadness overcame me.  I know this is selfish, but these kind of thoughts entered my mind...."is this how my life is going to be from now on?  How can I do this on my own?"  

We arrived at the cancer center early Thursday morning with Matt's brother Daniel who so kindly drove us as Matt was feeling bad and I was sick with strep as well as a sinus infection.  We saw the oncologist who told us that the tumor marker had jumped up quite a lot and that his liver function numbers did not look good either.  He told us that Matt would discontinue the current chemo treatment and that we had 4 choices and based on the PET scan that he ordered we would decide where to go from here.  The choices are as follows:

1.  return to the original chemo cocktail, the one that causes neuropothy in his hands and feet.  This chemo worked very well for Matt for a year but then his cancer started to grow in the lungs but not in the liver.....so may work again but most likely not.

2.  check into clinical trials.  There are many ongoing trials that are targeting specific cancer cells and many of these come with few side effects.  But this is a shot in the dark, no data to tell you that it will work.

3.  go on the newest chemo treatment that has just hit the market.  This chemo has extreme side effects, much worse than any of the others and has only showed to increase life expectancy by 6 weeks at most......I would say this is a NO GO!!!

4.  enjoy the time we have left!

Matt had the PET scan and we were pleased to find out that the cancer had not exploded into all parts of his body as we had expected.  It is growing a little in the lungs and in the two bone spots, the spine and hip.

The oncologist called a cancer research center about some clinical trials and we have an appointment with them on Thursday to see what they have available.  I have a few phone calls to make for two other studies, one in Dallas and one in Colorado and once we have more information we will make a decision which route to take.

As I said above this post is written with mixed emotions.  Both Matt and I feel extreme relief that he is done with the current treatment as the quality of life was really really bad.  Matt made the statement that trying to decide if he should stop this chemo was like having a gun to his head.  So the decision was taken from us and even though we know that we may be getting closer to the end of this cancer journey, we feel a sense of relief as well as peace.

Matt's disposition has improved and he is excited about feeling good for change.  He wants to take some time to make the decision for the next move.  I am looking into as much information as I can so that he can make the best informed decision as possible.  Right now I need to gather info and try not to share too much with him just yet as he just wants to enjoy the freedom of no chemo for a few days.

I need to thank some really important people that have really helped us out A LOT over the past few weeks:
My MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My awesome SISTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The very best VISITING TEACHERS any one could ever have!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Matt's brother Ben who has been coming to visit him at the center almost every time he has been in infusion.  This has meant the world to him.

Matt's brother Wayne and his wife Jill.  They are always there for us whenever we need them.  A blessing, dinner, a listening ear, helping out a daughter locked out of her house..............the list goes on and on!!!!

Matt's brother Daniel and his wife Dana.  They always seem to be with us when we get bad news.......hmmmm.........LOL!!!!  Just joking!!  They were here when Matt was first diagnosed and they were with us this week at the hospital when we got the news from the doctor.  They were there both times to offer us unwavering love and support....not offering platitudes of "it will be ok" or "keep on fighting"; instead they opened their arms and just loved us both times.
 
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!  FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART THANK YOU!!!!