Death Can Be a Beautiful Thing

Over the past few weeks our little town has gone through some experiences that have filled my heart and there are so many things I want to say.

These are my thoughts and my perspective on Matt’s and I journey. We have been on this cancer journey for almost a year now and I have come to the realization that in all likelihood I will lose my dear Matt to this cancer. This is not easy for me to say, this is the man I have loved for over 27 years now. I have loved him, hated him, made love with him, yelled at him, cried with him, rejoiced with him, gone through spiritual, scary, funny, embarrassing, experiences with him, and he is the father of my children and my best friend.

I have come to terms with our reality, it doesn’t mean that I have given up hope, just that I am determined to make this time with him as meaningful as possible. If I have to lose Matt to this disease, then I am determined to do it on our terms.

A dear friend and also a caregiver to her husband who has colon cancer said that we have been given a gift in the fact that we have time to prepare for our loved ones passing. Many lose their loved ones through an illness or accident that happens suddenly and they are not able to plan or say goodbye. I have a strong faith in God and I have seen in the past few weeks that death can be beautiful. This realization has really helped to calm my fears and give me strength.

There is young man in our small town who everyone knows, he also happens to be my sisters nephew. His name is Carson. He was first diagnosed at age 15 six years ago with bone cancer. He had to have his leg amputated. This was very distressing to him as he loved to run, play basketball and soccer. He was determined to learn to use his prosthetic leg to learn to run again. He did do this and went on to play soccer again and become a soccer coach for the little league teams.

He was such an inspiration to everyone around him. He would use his prosthetic leg to play jokes on people all the time. He truly loved life and lived it to its fullest.

Six months ago at the age of 21 he married his high school sweetheart, both of them knowing that he would probably not live much longer. His cancer had returned and treatments were not working any more. He and his wife spent these last months building beautiful memories together and trusting in God’s plan for them.

Last week he passed away and my sister was able to share with me how beautiful his death was. His family had the opportunity to plan with him how they wanted it to be and my sister said that each time she went to visit him she could literally feel God’s presence in the room with Carson. They were able to say their goodbyes and spend his last days laughing, reminiscing, and loving each other.

If this is what is to be for Matt and I, I want to follow their example and the beautiful examples of others that I have come to know on the Colon Club (an online forum of other colon cancer patients and caregivers) who have or are going down this path. I pray each day that if/when the time comes I will be able to face what is put before me with the same grace and courage.

Below is a few lines from an email sent to me yesterday by a woman named Cathy. She is a member of the Colon Club and her dad passed away from Colon Cancer just before Christmas. Right after her fathers passing she wrote on the Colon Club how she and her family were able to accept what was to be and how they were able to make the last days with her father beautiful and memorable. She said that she was proud of herself. I LOVED that! That is how I want to feel. Her posts meant so much to me that I bookmarked them to have when I would need them. I had no idea that her words would be needed so quickly, you see, I printed her posts and gave them to Carson's family about a week before Carson passed away.

This is what she wrote:
"Niki thanks again for letting me know this touching story, this poor young man, only just starting out life, how terribly sad. But the relief of the family spending the last few days with the most beautiful memories is just what he would of wanted.. that is just heaven for them. I do know that when i read Jessicas (Jessica was a beloved member of the Colon Club who was a young mother and fought her battle with colon cancer so bravely) last posts, it really affected me, thinking her last few days were spent in fear.. i really did not want that to happen. Ashlee helped me in so many ways.. understanding the worst, and facing that fear, no longer made it scary, it made it lifes way. Its still not fair, whether it be a 74 year old, or a 21 year old, but these things cannot be changed, but making it more bearable is the only option."

Thank you all for being there to help us as travel this scary and dark path. Your love and comfort, along with God’s love for me and my family, helps to light the way.

We are headed off again for the cancer center. Matt will be meeting with the doctors and getting his chemotherapy treatment on Friday. He just turned 50!!!! It seems like only yesterday was our wedding day and we were so young and carefree with life ahead of us and nothing standing in our way!!!